If You Really Wanna Hate Your Love Life, Hang Out With This Guy
Purely based on the notion that the pain of some may become subject of a joke that brings joy and/or laughter to others, I will recount to you the story of the Prince Charming/Man of My Dreams I met last Friday night at one America’s Pub in lovely Westport, Missouri.
After a night of meaningful grinding (otherwise referred to as “dancing” in the club scene), he asked for my number… which we wrote on an old receipt from his pocket, because he didn’t have a cell phone.
No cell phone? Perhaps it is a statement against the control technology has taken over our daily lives! How insightful!
He does indeed call me – heaven forbid the next day, as that would seem desperate! – the following Sunday (yesterday) to reconnect and stumble abashedly over the concept of meeting up again. We ended upon the decision for him to call me the following day (today) to make plans for later in the week.
He calls (as promised? What is this concept?) and preempts the aforementioned planning by announcing that he has something he must tell me, in order to be perfectly straight forward with me (again, I feel this is a concept lost on most men of the era). His exact preface was “Don’t freak out…” What a salesman! And then the joyful news:
“I’m still sort of married to my wife.”
Sort of? I inquired. “Well, we’re separated, but not divorced yet… I sleep on the couch now.” The couch is such a statement of independence, I decided that this piece of news didn’t have to be the immediate end to the conversation. Ahh, but there’s a “kicker” (and why shouldn’t there be? I’ve underlined the highlights.)
“I ran a stop sign a few weeks back taking my Army buddies home from Manhattan, Kansas and someone smashed into my car… so I’d need a ride wherever we end up going.” Marvelous! I’d be happy to come pick you up at your cozy abode in Leawood (which is only a short 45 minutes from humble Independence) – in fact, your lovely wife can wish us well on our date!
This is the really great part (have I got you excited?): He asked me to hold for a moment and I only slightly overheard a conversation with a light female voice. The anticipation is rising by the second as he comes back to the phone to announce he has yet one more bout of honesty! (Are you not impressed at the volume of truth?!)
“I have a son who will be six next week and a beautiful two year old daughter.” With the wife he is still married to, in the house he doesn’t own, but is still sleeping in, and (in case I haven’t yet mentioned) spends most of his temporarily jobless days in!
“Run. Don’t walk. Run in the other direction.” – An adamant and loyal friend.
Now there are a few details of this story that must be mentioned: firstly, I met this gentleman at a bar of questionable repute, out of which I have yet to meet a qualified candidate for companionship and out of which, I had literally no expectations for such a candidate… however, I find that with each new prospect, I can still be shocked!
More importantly, second: He is actually a very well-intentioned man, victim of numerous extenuating circumstances. He has every intention of moving out, cleaning up his life, supporting his children, divorcing his wife and going to school on the Army’s tab to study Psychology and become a high school counselor, in order to prevent teen-hoods similar to his own. It is, perhaps, possible that he is merely looking for companionship/friendship to support him in these major life changes that are about to take place…But…
Boy, don’chu bring that DRAMA ‘round me! I got nuff shyeet on my plate! You keep yer kids and yer busted car and yer WIFE and figure yo shyeet out ‘for you talk to me. You understand?!
Oh HELL no. (This is my dating life… Seriously??!!)
After a night of meaningful grinding (otherwise referred to as “dancing” in the club scene), he asked for my number… which we wrote on an old receipt from his pocket, because he didn’t have a cell phone.
No cell phone? Perhaps it is a statement against the control technology has taken over our daily lives! How insightful!
He does indeed call me – heaven forbid the next day, as that would seem desperate! – the following Sunday (yesterday) to reconnect and stumble abashedly over the concept of meeting up again. We ended upon the decision for him to call me the following day (today) to make plans for later in the week.
He calls (as promised? What is this concept?) and preempts the aforementioned planning by announcing that he has something he must tell me, in order to be perfectly straight forward with me (again, I feel this is a concept lost on most men of the era). His exact preface was “Don’t freak out…” What a salesman! And then the joyful news:
“I’m still sort of married to my wife.”
Sort of? I inquired. “Well, we’re separated, but not divorced yet… I sleep on the couch now.” The couch is such a statement of independence, I decided that this piece of news didn’t have to be the immediate end to the conversation. Ahh, but there’s a “kicker” (and why shouldn’t there be? I’ve underlined the highlights.)
“I ran a stop sign a few weeks back taking my Army buddies home from Manhattan, Kansas and someone smashed into my car… so I’d need a ride wherever we end up going.” Marvelous! I’d be happy to come pick you up at your cozy abode in Leawood (which is only a short 45 minutes from humble Independence) – in fact, your lovely wife can wish us well on our date!
This is the really great part (have I got you excited?): He asked me to hold for a moment and I only slightly overheard a conversation with a light female voice. The anticipation is rising by the second as he comes back to the phone to announce he has yet one more bout of honesty! (Are you not impressed at the volume of truth?!)
“I have a son who will be six next week and a beautiful two year old daughter.” With the wife he is still married to, in the house he doesn’t own, but is still sleeping in, and (in case I haven’t yet mentioned) spends most of his temporarily jobless days in!
“Run. Don’t walk. Run in the other direction.” – An adamant and loyal friend.
Now there are a few details of this story that must be mentioned: firstly, I met this gentleman at a bar of questionable repute, out of which I have yet to meet a qualified candidate for companionship and out of which, I had literally no expectations for such a candidate… however, I find that with each new prospect, I can still be shocked!
More importantly, second: He is actually a very well-intentioned man, victim of numerous extenuating circumstances. He has every intention of moving out, cleaning up his life, supporting his children, divorcing his wife and going to school on the Army’s tab to study Psychology and become a high school counselor, in order to prevent teen-hoods similar to his own. It is, perhaps, possible that he is merely looking for companionship/friendship to support him in these major life changes that are about to take place…But…
Boy, don’chu bring that DRAMA ‘round me! I got nuff shyeet on my plate! You keep yer kids and yer busted car and yer WIFE and figure yo shyeet out ‘for you talk to me. You understand?!
Oh HELL no. (This is my dating life… Seriously??!!)
posted by Jess at 8:04 PM
5 Comments:
This is my dilemma! I applaud his honestly to everyone but HIMSELF! You are still technically MARRIED! You do NOT get to date yet! I mean, really... you can wait until you don't have to mention "Oh yeah, I'm still married" to date can't you? LOCK IT UP for minute for crying out loud!
Wow. Your adamant and loyal friend is probably right - running very fast would be a good option.
I mean yeah, the guy was honest - and if you gave him your number he must have some redeeming personal qualities. But that's a whole boatload of issues to be dumping on somebody you just met.
That was genuinely funny. I'm still surprised Michael managed to stick around. You know a kid with my addict ex who still called ranting drunk many times a night. Its a wonder. To wcho you other wise friend: Run like hell. Whenever someone has that many circumstantials, beware, they are a participant in their life. KARMA buddy!
"[Q]uestionable repute...." I did not expect to be killing time at work and come across such sparkling reflections on KC life. Makes me sort of miss that Den of Iniquity. But not really.
I remember one time, when we only knew one person working there, we raided the costume closet and I danced the night away with giant foam fists over my hands. I loved those things. My arms smelled like STD for days.
I enjoy yr writing style.
Ha! and ew because it's true...
Welcome to blog world, Benjamina.
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